The grossest stores I have ever shared (at least on the internet)

You know the kinda story that only Danielle seems willing to share but you all seem willing to laugh about. That kinda story.

So you know that I'm a teacher. I have a bathroom at the back of my classroom. I have my period and needed to take care to things related to my period. (If you already think that this is TMI than just stop. Really!) Now there are times that you just can't wait until a proper break time to use the restroom. This would be one of those times. This would mean that I have a room full of small children and I'm going into the bathroom that does not lock while they are only a few feet away. I've got to do this fast and quietly because if they realize that I'm gone...they will be crazy.

So I enter the bathroom but I am stopped in my tracks. Apparently, first graders do not know how to flush the toilet. There waiting for me, was a pile of poo. Now this was no ordinary pile of poo. Oh no! It appeared to be the kind of poo you would have if you lived on a diet of peanut butter and school glue. It was disgusting and strangely fascinating at the same time. Who has made this poo? What does this child eat? How could you forget to flush this? And lastly, oh my god!!!!! Where is the toilet paper? Why didn't they wipe? It's just so wrong. So many level of wrongness.

That whole thought process took about a full second. I then calmed myself down and walked over and tried to flush the toilet. The water swirled a little but the poo did not move. See this is a new classroom and we have new plumbing. This is one of those toilets that wants to act like a European toilet. It has a little ledge. Now I'm sorry if you don't know what I'm talking about but it's just that. There's this little ledge and it would seem that the poo has somehow bound itself to the porcelain.

I think that this just can't be happening. This isn't possible. I flush again. Same results. Water moves, poo does not. I flush again. Water moves, poo does not. I flush about 10 times and it is slowly being eroded on the sides but so very slowly that I will need to flush it about 100 more times to make it go away. Much time has not elapsed but I'm starting to run out of the little time that I have. I need to make a decision. I need to either go or leave. I decide that I will hover and pretend that the poo is not there. They are little kids, they probably do not even notice this disgusting pile of poo.

I hover, do my business and since I have my period, change my tampon. I clean myself up and get dressed. I turn around to face the toilet and flush only to be met with an even more horrifying sight. My tampon is now help captive on this rogue island of waste. Ever full of hope, I flush with the naive belief that it will be washed away and I will no longer need to deal with this brown cemented mass. But alas, this is not to be. I flush. Water goes down, tampon on pile of poo stays.

I am met with a new problem. Now a giant pile of poo, I could ignore. I could pretend that it was not there. A child would go to the bathroom and come running out and tell me, the teacher, and I would calmly say something about just go flush it, it's only poo. I would do this with a straight face and no matter how much I was laughing on the inside, they child would go on it's way. But there is just no way that I can do this with the new addition. This would just involve too many new questions. Questions that I am neither willing nor prepared to answer to first graders. I must now take action. I must find another solution.

I must find a way to nudge the couple to it's watery grave. I quickly look around the room and realize that there is NOTHING in this bathroom with me. I have toilet paper, an empty soap dispenser mounted to the wall and a sink. That's about it. I am left with what I have on my body. My hands.

Now even I couldn't do that. I'd like to string this out even further so you could share my hysteric misery but I will not. I took the core out of the role of TP and gently nudged the foe to it's water grave. I am giddy for the half a second it takes me to realize that now I have a half soaked core of cardboard that now is multicolored and no where to dispose of it. I can't flush it because there's just no way that is going to work. I can't leave it there because I just can't. I must take it with me. I calmly walk out, as if this is the most natural thing in the world. I throw it away and go to the back of the room and wash my hands until they are raw.

Now this whole episode lasted about 1 minute all together. The children didn't even seem to realize that I was gone and they were still at their table groups working on their math. They were all engaged in their work and happy. This is the difference between third and first grade and I am very thankful for that. They are also a great group of kids.

Now I just need to find a way to never go in that bathroom again.