The good and the bad

I had a pretty good day with my students. I started the new discipline plan and they did really well with it. We will have to see how well they are still doing in a few days but I'm trying to enjoy the first day.

Tomorrow is my last tutoring session and I'm so glad that will be done for the year. I'm going over to my friend Jenn's house after tutoring. Tomorrow should be a pretty good day.

Now for the bad. Well not really bad just crushingly disappointing. We owe more on the older car than I thought. About twice as much as I thought. This means that we are not going to be able to pay it off with the tax return. I'm ready to cry. I was so excited to have it paid off. It really felt like we were getting closer to getting somewhere and not I'm just devastated.

Mr. Husband and I were talking and I know that he thinks that I'm acting this way because he doesn't have a high paying job and that I blame him for the situation that we are in but it's not that. I'm just so frustrated. I really feel like we are never going to get out of this. I feel like we are so much further behind than we were last year at this same time and that's just so sad.

I want to crawl into my bed and hide. I really want to get to the point where I can stay home with my kids and enjoy them and I don't think that is ever going to happen. I so badly want to have another baby and I don't know how we can do that anytime soon. I really didn't want there to be a long time between my children. I wanted them to be born close in age and felt like the 3 1/2 years between #1 and the twinnies is the most that I would want to do. I'm not saying that if I can't have another baby by the end of the year that I just won't have one but the larger the gap the more I think about not having another and I can't even stand that thought.

I'm just really really disappointed.

I work so hard at a job that I hate. There are so many things that I want to do for my kids and give them but I can't and now I'm feeling like I never will be able too. Yea, I'm sure that it won't be like this forever but I never imagined that it could be until the kids are grown that I would feel better financially.

I'm starting to feel like Mr. Husband would need to be making $50,000 a year and me working to get where I want to be.

I was thinking that I would blog tonight and be all happy about my day and what I did and this is just too much right now.

I feel like I put so many of the things that I want to the side to take care of everyone else and the one thing that I really want, to get out of this overwhelming debt, is just never going to happen.

Hopefully I will sleep well tonight and wake up and feel refreshed and optimistic about the world but I'm not there tonight. I'm far from there right now.

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~~~Job Watch 2007~~~

Still no word. I'm going nuts here. If he doesn't hear anything by tomorrow afternoon he is going to call and try to find something out. Keep your toes crossed.

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After I wrote this I checked my horoscope. This is what it said:

Scorpio
You might not have a clear understanding of what is happening at home. As much as you work toward clarity, it's hard to know what's real versus what's imagined. You could always ask someone else for their advice, but everyone tends toward painting a lighthearted view now. Although you might be itching to get to work, wait until you know exactly what you should be doing before starting anything.