Trying to make peace

I don't speak to my father. His crimes against me are his own but the scars of them touch many more lives. I try everyday to forgive but I am only human.

I called my grandfather today. My father lives with his father and I hesitate to call my grandfather because I never know who will answer the phone. My father has never actually answered the phone when I have called my grandfather's house but the fear of him answering has stopped me from calling often. On top of that, my grandfather is also going deaf and can not often hear what I am saying.

The last time I called to speak to my grandfather was on Thanksgiving day. He could not hear me and the phone was passed from one cousin to the next. I felt sad and lonely after the experience.

I did not call at Christmas. Part of the reason was because the day was very busy but another part was purely selfish. I did not want to repeat that last call. I did not want a repeat of those emotions.

I called today but I waited until later in the day hoping that no one else would be there. I called and was gifted with him being alone and able to hear me. We talked for 17 minutes. Not a terribly long time to most but a lifetime of conversation with him.

He is one of those people that just doesn't talk on the phone for very long. I've tried telling him that the bill is the same if I use the long distance or not but it doesn't matter. The fact that he stayed on the line that long was a gift for me. A wonderful start to the new year.

He told me that he has recently had surgery on his eyes. He could not read before the surgery and now has 20/20 vision. He told me that there is nothing that they can do for his hearing. I'm glad that he has his vision restored but saddened that the chances that we will have more phone conversations are slim.

I decided a few years ago that I wanted to live my life so that I did not have regrets. This is of course much easier decided than done but I have worked hard at trying to make decision that I can be at peace with. I do not want to go my whole life wondering what if or why not. I want to find peace in my everyday life and joy in the little things that I do.

I hope that I will have many more conversations with my grandfather. That he lives many more years and that we will talk more often. That he will be able to hear what I have to say and he will also share more stories and wisdom from his life.

I know either way that I ended the conversation telling him that I love him and he told me the same.