Depression
Depression has followed me for several years. Usually I am able to deal. I have little tricks that help me when times are bad and I'm very good about taking my Prozac everyday. But there are times that I just succumb to it's sweet siren song.
Just like the ship that is lured to the rocks, I am drawn into it. I know that it's going to be hell but I can't turn away. I wallow in it. I allow to swallow me.
I am there now.
Earlier today I was fighting to keep it at bay. I played with the kids. Going for a walk with them and allowing myself to feel the wonder of watching the wind cause ripples across a pond. We went to the little playground across the parking lot here and I let them drag me onto the castle so they could tell me story about their space ship. I lay in Middle Child's bed and snuggled him just before his nap. Listening to his giggles about some story that I couldn't understand. I fought.
Later though I could hold off no more and gave in. I lay on the couch and let the tears run down my face. I no longer cry like I used to.
I remember once as a teenager feeling the despair of others around me. The sobs were uncontrollable. I screamed into the darkness but the only reply was the twinkling of the night's stars.
Now I cry the way that the lost do. The tears are the last part of my shame that I can not control.
I so badly want to laugh and play. To not feel this complete grief. But I will have to fight my way back up the well. I am Alice and I have fallen deep. The White Rabbit is my guide and the Cheshire Cat my only comfort.
I hope that I find my way out soon.
3 comments:
I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you today. I wish you could have sat at the table and had Thanksgiving in January while snow flakes fell from the sky and 3 male cardinals shared the gazabo with a whole bunch of wrens and finches. It was a very busy birdfeeder. I have felt somewhat disconected since Friday and now I know why.
Climb out of the rabbit hole alice and get conected. If you listen carefully, I bet middle child will be able to tell you how to make it through the day.
Love you lots.
Find where it is that you are supposed to be. Where it is that will make you happy. You CAN have that and as long as you focus on the positive things, no matter how fake it feels, it will happen. Let go of all of the negetivity. Look for the things that YOU want in your life. It will work. It will.
Let the sunshine in!
I love you!!
Dude wheres the Jabberwokkie? If you are depressed can I please be the Mad Hatter???????? If you are in Wonderland let me come to. Its always better to share your misery. Let me tell you the tale of the Walrus and Clam. I'd tell you to buck up and feel better but I know that won't help. So see a doctor and see if your meds need increased, and if not "a very merry un-birthday to you". i love you Manyella, and I have felt it from you too. i lub you. eat me ,drink me.
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