Holidays

Holidays are a hard time for me. Thanksgiving is one of the hardest.

I don't talk to my dad anymore. I'm not sad or upset about that, I wish that he had made better choices in his life but not upset about mine.

Cutting someone out of your life is never an easy thing. You can't just pretend that you never knew them. When you cut someone out, you lose all of the good things along with the bad. I've lost the good part of being a part of his family. This means that my grandfather almost never hears from me, I have almost no communication between my aunt or uncle and virtual none from my cousins.

I tried staying in touch with my grandfather and was very pleased that he too wanted to continue to have a relationship. It has proved difficult in the last few years because he is losing his hearing. His inability to hear me on the phone has virtually wiped out our chances of having an ongoing relationship. I try to call him during holidays because I know that my aunt, uncle and cousins will be there to tell him what I am saying.

My aunt and uncle seem to want me in their life still but I can't honestly say that I would communicate with them more than I do now. I don't necessarily know my aunt as a person in anyway. I don't feel like I ever have. My uncle is ill and I would love to be able to talk to him more often but what do you say to someone when you are calling just to make sure that they are still alive.

The hardest for me is the seeming disdain that I receive from the majority of my cousins. The phone gets passed from one to the other with no conversation. I could hear them trying to get the oldest on the phone and she would not come. The youngest was the one that I never really knew growing up and now she is the only one that will talk to me in a normal fashion and even that is the occasional phone pass while her sisters are trying to avoid conversation.

There behavior is the most hurtful because we were very close growing up. The oldest is only six month younger than me and even the youngest is maybe five years younger. I have fond memories of us playing in my grandfather's yard. There was a very large pine tree in the front of his house that we would play under. We would play some variety of kick ball and the neighbors dog would run along the fence. We would open Christmas gifts together.

I imagine that we would not have continued to stay that close as we got older. Three of them are married now and have children. The unmarried cousin is living on her own and working, very much an adult. I imagine that we would have an adult relationship. We would get together at holidays and the children would play. We would talk about our lives as we untangled petty arguments among our offspring. We would be united by the memories of our past and our common blood.

You can not cut someone out of your life without losing a huge chunk of your own life. Imagined or real.

I am Thankful for my family. My Dear Husband, my beautiful children that teach and heal me, my mother and the maturing relationship that we have, my friend who have become the family that I have lost and especially for my sister. I feel that we are entering a new part in our relationship together. More friends then sister but definitely more sisters than friends could ever be.

Thanksgiving is the hardest holiday for me because it reminds me not only of the things that I am thankful for but the family, hopes and dreams that I have lost.