I am not dead but this did become a depressing entry

I know that is what some of you are thinking. The heat here has been too much for me and I have died. Maybe you are blaming it on the children at me school. Nope, still alive.

I have been busy this last week with my family. As my last entry states, my mother is in town and we are playing. Playing you can take to mean shopping and eating in restaurants. Two things that I don't do very often. You can also count playing as NOT going to the gym or cleaning the apartment. It's not getting done. I'm sitting on my butt and reading or playing with the kids while sitting on my butt or even watching Television while I'm sitting on my butt. I might clean but only if I can reach the things from where I'm sitting on my butt and even then I'm having one of my little midget "helpers" doing any of the actual work.

I'm having a rough spot right now. I feel the dark walls of depression sneaking in. I don't feel depressed yet but I can feel it starting to surround me. It is as if depression is a dark tunnel that is closing in.

I should be very happy right now. My mother is in town, #1 son is finally starting to behave in class, the twinnies are really starting to talk more and Mr. Husband might actually get a paying teacher job. Really!! But I still feel the depression coming.

I start to get depressed about the idea that I'm getting depressed. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and read and then sleep. It feels like I am falling inside a deep well but don't even have the energy to try to get out. I don't even have the will to try not to fall deeper.

Most people do not understand depression. I have a chemical imbalance in my head. I do not create enough seritonin to sustain the same level of "happiness" that the average person does. It effects my life and every life around me.

It is hard because I don't want my family to know. I don't want to tell them although they obliviously know that something is going on. I'm not myself. Things that don't usually bother me are really pissing me off. Things that might usually bother me but I'm able to deal with are really pissing me off. Things that usually piss me off are really pissing me off.

I know that I will be fine. It's a hard time for me now because I'm getting set in my routine here. I'm missing my friends and family and all of the places that I know and love. I'm missing my old school and SOME of the people that I used to work with. I miss having friends that you understand what I am feeling without having to tell them.

Mr. Husband is my bestest friend but he is busy working things out with this job hunt. I need someone that I can go to and be totally selfish with. That will just listen to me rant and say the F-word and understand what I am feeling. Someone who is not going to tell me that everything is going to be alright because they know that maybe it isn't and maybe that's ok.

I'm feeling lost. A lot of who I was was left behind in Old City. I brought all of my physical possessions but not my spiritual. I can't seem to mesh them with this new place.

I feel lost and can't find my way home.