I'm a bad friend

I have a message board that I have visited since Jan. 10th, 2001. This is amazing because although I am a creature of habit, I usually make new habits often and don't stick to the old ones. I was reading a message today about a women who said that she was said. One of the reasons was because today was the birthday of a her best friend from high school. She was sad because they are no longer friends.

She wrote about how her friend and her life had gone in different directions and they were in different towns now. Her friend no longer has family in that town so the friend doesn't come to visit. The women wrote that it is hard for her to make friends so she works very hard to keep her friends.

I was missing some of my friends today. I actually got out my calendar, it has an address book in the back, and called some of my friends from Old City. Of course only one of them was home but we talked for over an hour. She asked me lots of questions about my new adventures here. Home, school and the political environment in general here. It felt so good to talk to someone where I didn't need to tell my background history with every story. Someone who already knows me. I've missed that.

I had called before I read the message from my message board but it did make me think about how I am just like that "bad" friend of hers. I don't stay in contact with people on a regular basis. I might call once a year, send an odd email or never actually return an email from someone. I don't know when your birthday is, I don't know your address and usually I can not find your telephone number.

I did want to let you all know that I think of you all often. You are characters in my head and you see my world around me. I know you well enough to know how you would react to situations that I experience. I assume you know what's going on in my life because I thought of you. I am extremely ego-centric. I don't make excuses for it. I just am.

I'm sorry that I don't call. I do feel bad about. I write you thank you cards although I've never actually sent you one. I tell you lots of things although you are not physic. I don't send you emails even when I really want too because I'm busy. I'm not sure what I'm busy doing but I must by busy or I'd have time to write an email.

I'm a bad friend. You know this because you know me.

I felt bad for the woman that wrote the message because maybe her friend is just like me. Maybe it's not because she doesn't have anything in common with the women, maybe it's not because she's so busy. Maybe she does think of you often and doesn't know what to say or how to get back in contact with you. Maybe she is like me and holds conversations with you although you never really know how close or good of a friend you are because you are never part of that conversation.

I do love you all. I miss you and I am sorry that I don't do a better job of letting you know what is happening in my life and how I feel about you. Of course you will never know that I'm sorry and feel guilty about this because I'll never tell you. I'd have to call you to tell you and you know how often that happens.