I cried at school today

I did not have a good day at school today. There were two different fights in my room. I have said how the children are rude. They are not just rude to me and every adult. They are also rude to each other.

Two of the children that got into the first fight are friends. At least they say that they are. Today they were arguing. They both have a history of getting in trouble at school and I have talked to both of them about changing their behavior. They both say that they would like to have a very different school experience this school year. One of them acts that way. The other does not.

They were arguing over a chair. I'm not quite sure why and neither of them can tell me but that was what the argument was about. I had them both come to me and they took turns telling me their side of the story. The one boy was finished and he sat down. The other boy was mad at me because I had moved their desks apart. He came up to talk to me and I told him to sit down. He decided that it was a better idea to sprint across the room and push the other child in the chest. I yelled, "No." He did not like this answer so he raised a chair up into the air as if to throw it. I yelled. "We do not throw chairs in this room." He slammed it straight down to the ground. I figured that this was an improvement.

I told him that he had to sit down. That he needed to calm down before I talked to him. I also told him that I needed to calm down. He didn't sit on the chair that I told him but he did sit on the floor. I was glad that he was sitting down.

Five minutes later I walked up to him. I asked him if he had cooled down. He had his hands in his hair, pulling the hair at his forehead. He shook his head but I told him that I did not understand what his shaking head meant, yes or no. He shook his head again. I started to walk away and growled yes. I told him that he didn't sound calm and I would come back when he was calm.

At this point it was time to leave for lunch. I told the children to line up and gave them each a squirt of hand sanitizer. They boy stood up but started stomping his way over to the boy that he had pushed. The second boy ran to me and hid behind me. I told the chair slammer to get to the back of the line and the second boy to get to the front of the line. The second boy grabbed my arm and told me that he was scared.

Before we went outside one of my students told me that she was shaking from the time that I had yelled no to them. I didn't tell her but I was shaking on the inside. I can't stand fighting and this was already too much.

We started to walk outside and the chair slammer stomped his feet but was coming. Ever time he looked at the other boy, he would walk toward him until I was standing between them. I did not trust that he would not attack the boy again without another teacher being there.

The second boy had gone through the lunch line and I had him sit at table where a teacher was sitting. I went to the office to get some help. The principal and vice principal were both in a meeting together so they could not help. The office staff was at a loss of what to do. They called the guidance counselor and she could not be found. No help from the office.

I didn't know what to do. If I left the boy there, I was sure that something was going to happen. I didn't really want to take the child with me because it's my break. I know that sounds selfish to many but I do not have many times a day that the children are not with me. I would like to have the "privilege" of going to the bathroom without children being with me. (I mean in the classroom. Not in the bathroom with me. My bathroom is in my classroom.) I decided that I would not be OK if something happened so I got the child and he played in the classroom while I ate. He came with me when I made photocopies and he sat in the office when I went to the bathroom. (I used the office bathroom. No roaches in there.)

It was time to pick the class up and the chair thrower was not in a better mood. He would not follow the class and ran away. This is the second time in less than a week that he has run away. I called the office and they wanted to know where he had gone. How am I supposed to know? He ran away. I can't see him. If I could he wouldn't have ran away.

About five minutes later he came back to my room. I called the office to tell them that he had returned. They were surprised to hear that he was gone. It seems that the person that I had told had gone to lunch and not informed the next person that he had run.

They settled into their seats now very much separated and pretended to get to work. It's amazing because the chair thrower came up to me and said that they other boy was talking about his family. That the other boy had said this loud enough for him to hear and no one else. Even though there were seven or eight children in the room at the time and I had been looking at the boy and he had been reading and working in his math book. Amazing.

Then the guidance counselor walks in. I just love her. She's a really big help. (sarcastic tone added) she took the chair thrower into the hall and talked to him for 2 minutes. She walked in and said that he was feeling much better.

I walked up to her to talk and look back at the class. One student had his arm cocked back and was ready to punch another student square in the face. I yelled for them to stop. They did and then I called the boy over to me to explain what had happened. He ran past me and out of the building.

The guidance counselor went to talk to him. I went back to teaching math. She came back in said that I should have asked her for help earlier. I hadn't cry yet but could feel the tears coming. That pushed me over the edge. Ask for help!!! Like when I went to the office and said that I needed help? Or last Friday when she was in my room for one of these students already? How about when we tried to call her that very same day and she couldn't have been reached? I'm not sure what else I could have done to ask for help.

I told her that we had tried to call her earlier. That I had been to the office. That the principal and vice principal were not available. That I feared for my students safety and had him come with me for my break. That I asked for help but she was too late.

I walked back into my classroom. I was still crying but I didn't care. I walked back in and told them to sit in their chairs and do their math and not to make a sound. I was putting MYSELF in timeout. I wasn't getting out of my chair until I calmed down. Five minutes. Don't make a sound.

The saddest part. I really needed that five minutes. Not really to calm down because I honestly haven't yet. I can fake it in front of the kids and driving home but I didn't really calm down. I'm still very shaken up by this. I need someone to tell me that they are going to help me with this class. That I am not a bad teacher. That they kids are rude and they were last year. I need that for me.

I needed that five minutes to write to a parent of a different child. A child that struggles in class. Who's parents wrote me a letter yesterday asking how he was doing in reading. Who met with me after school yesterday to see if I had gotten the letter. Who were understanding when I said that I had just gotten their letter at the end of the day and I would send them a letter tomorrow with some of the data that I had found. I needed to write to some parents that actually cared about how their child was doing in school. You know the kid that has to put up with all this other stuff going on in the classroom. Who I don't get to teach like I should because of these other kids.

The counselor walked out when I said that to the class. I sat down and wrote to the concerned parents. Five minutes later the counselor walked back in. I know that she was there to check on me this time. You know the crazy teacher that cries because her students fight in class. She couldn't come in the earlier to help with the kids but she could be there to make sure that I could teach the class.

I just ignored her. I stood up and taught the rest of the math lesson. She walked out. I didn't even look at her.

I spent the last twenty minutes of the school day writing to parents. Each student has a day planner. Parent's need to sign this every night. I put a stamp, sticker or smiley face in the planner f they had a good day. Other wise I write a note. I know that the parents will sign the planner and they behavior will not change. It hasn't the first three years of school, why would it change for a teacher that cries?

After school I had a committee meeting. I'm not actually on any committee because the principal did not assign me to one. I knew that I would have to be on one but was told by two committee chairs and the vice principal that I had to ask the principal what committee I could be on. I wasn't allowed to choice. Well the principal never showed up so I just joined math/science. I figure she can tell me different some other time.

During the meeting I was informed that I would be joining the math council for the county that I live in. Apparently all the teacher join and then the students do not have to. It's only 5 to 10 bucks to join. I asked what we get out of it. I was told that we have the chance to apply for one of two grants that are awarded every year. Although no one at our school had even won one. We also have the chance to win some award for being a great teacher. Although no one at my school has even won that either. We also have the right to pay $90 to pay for nine whole student to go and compete in a math competition. In which they do not expect any student from our school to even win. She actually said that. She doesn't expect them to ever win. Not from our school.

I asked again why it is that we join this thing. It doesn't sound like we really get anything out of it. Then she got mad and said that look, we really don't get anything out of it but it makes us look good. That our school has a reputation of the teachers not joining anything and this was a chance to say that we did. It would prove to the community that we care. That her husband spends over $1000 every year on professional clubs and councils and it's the same way. That I didn't have to pay the money if I didn't want to.

I don't really care about the $5 but I do not feel that people are going to think more of me because I paid it. I don't think that the parents in the community are going to think higher of the school because I paid someone $5. I really don't.

After the meeting one of my teaching partners told me that it's just to look good. That's the only reason. She also said that I could send a student to her classroom anytime. And then the bestest part of the work day. She showed me where she hides her chocolate. She said that I could have some at any time. I could just go into the cabinet and get some. Now that's support.