Trying not to care but failing
I over think things. Little things, big things, everything.
Lately I've been thinking about people a lot. I've been thinking about what makes them happy. I've been thinking about the things that they fear, the things that they want, the way that people act in different situations, the things that people think about other and the biggest thing, the way that people think about me.
I've been thinking about that a lot. I often wonder what people really think about me. The private thoughts that people have. The thoughts that they may even wish not to have. The things that people say about me when I'm not in the room or I can't hear them. I try to convince myself that no one talks about me but I know that I talk about other people so the chances are good that I would show up in a conversation sometime.
Do people think that I am smart? Do people think that I am nice? Do they think that I'm a good person? Do they even notice that I'm there?
I don't like the idea of people thinking bad things about me. I'd rather people not really think about it. At least not think of me unless they really know me or they are thinking of something nice that I have done or they are thinking that they miss me.
It would be a curse to know the secret thoughts of others. But I am very much a child and my emotions are often displayed on my face the same way that a movie is shown on the IMAX. My emotions are big, right in your face and you could be legally blind and probably be able to figure them out. People feel that they can read my thought because of this.
I'm a very complicated person but only in the sense that I am very open about thoughts, emotions and ideas. I'm so open in so many ways that people underestimate that I have thoughts, ideas and secrets that are not shared. People feel like they know me after just a few words. It's a gift that can help when in a difficult emotional situation but can be very annoying in the check out lane of the store when every person wants to share their life story.
I think highly of myself. I'm a good person but I know that I'm not perfect. I have many flaws and know about many of them. I try very hard to make myself a better person but their are definitely ways that I just ignore my flaws. There are more ways that I act like I don't notice them and really don't care about them.
I over think things. Little things, big things, everything.
4 comments:
Well, duh I talk about you!!! I talk about you to my friends and with Mom and with the kids and Mr. Husband! But I don't think thta I say bad things about you. I don't have too. If I am mad at you(laugh,laugh) I can call you and tell you what I am thinking. Its my birth right :) If I think that you are being dumb, I'll tell you. But this is most important. Because we are related I can say anything I want to you and expect that you will still talk to me and get mad at other people who are mean to me. I HAVE to like you, I HAVE to love you. But it doesn't matter what I HAVE to do.....you are my Manyella. I like you and love you all the time because I WANT to and in reality I just do. Its how we are together. I like you very much as a person and am very proud to know you. I love you.
When I think of you subjectively i think of a woman that is strong, intelligent, giving, funny, sincere, rebellious, caring, thoughtful, beautiful, natural, deep, spiritual, happy, and more. As soon as I hit enter to upload this comment a flood of other traits that I automatically think of when I think of you will come to me. While I feel comfortable saying anything to you, I hope it is a natural balance of life that is portrayed and that I reflect back to you the amazing person you are.
Thanks guys.
I think of the person you were. I guess you still are that person, but sadly we don't really know each other on that level anymore. But I know your core, and I love you because of it. Miss you my friend.
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