I am
I am a mother to three children. I am a teacher to many. I am a wife to Mr. Husband. I am a daughter, sister and friend. I am many things.
I do not see myself the same way that many of you see me. I am self-centered, greedy, mean, lazy and dumb. I am not self-hating. I actually think very highly of myself and think that the world would be a better place if more people were just like me. There would definitely be very sucky parts if most people were like me but really great parts.
I do know that I'm a good person and try hard to live my life in a way that helps others. I want others to feel that love and respect and spread that same feeling to the people around them.
But even with all of that...I want to be a better person. A better teacher, wife, friend, mother...better.
I don't know if I will ever reach a place where I am happy with what I am. I hope so in many ways but worry that if I do, I'd just be settling or lying to myself.
I am experiencing a great period of happiness and calm in my life. Mr. Husband is now able to apply for the job that he has been doing. Work is going amazingly well. I miss my friends and family but I'm finally starting to make real friends here.
My doctor and I talk each week about my inability to sleep. She thought it was the medicine at first. She did blood work and had me stop taking almost all of the meds. I didn't sleep better. She thinks that it's stress. I laugh. This is not a stressful time for me.
You, dear readers of the blog, get to see me at my darkest time. I usually don't share my happy, happy, joy, joy feelings here. I don't share about the sense of peace I have recently experienced. The spiritual awakening that I am evolving in. You get the dirt.
I'll try to make more time to share the good things. I'll try.
5 comments:
You do share much of your happy, happy joy joy, Ren! I also took it for a euphemism for sharing your depression. I have a strange mind. Think it is contaminated by the cat box old friend.
Anyway, you may not feel that you are all of the things that we said about you, but you are to us. Philosophically speaking that makes it a truism on many levels. Should we ever settle? No. Should we ever give ourselves a pat on the back and start trusting that most people really are inherently good people that want the same, they just need a mentor, someone to set a good example? Yes. You are a good friend. I am not sure whose definition you are running by, but you are definitely that! You are not mean, lazy or any of those other derogatory statements that you made about yourself. Remember, those are all social constructs. If you feel others should be like you, then express that not as a decree to form judgments, but as a personal opinion and expression of independence. Be free little mushroom fairy!
On a different note.....the countdown to Monday has begun!!!!!! I am hoping that Ryan will be able to come , but it looks like (now) that he won't be able to come :( I still have Mom comming with and you are the number 1 person on my list for calling to tell!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does that make me...#2?
YES!!!!!!
Happy Cornish Hen Day (at my house)!!!!
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