Working but still not sleeping

Yesterday was full of hard work. I worked in my classroom. I mowed the front yard at my mother in laws and I worked on her pool. I came home and cleaned. After the kids were in bed, I went to Target and bought some more supplies for the classroom and a few things for home. When I arrive home, I took off my clothing and put it straight into the washer. My pants were soaked from the work and I needed to wear them today again. I then took myself to the shower and had a much needed soak.

I woke this morning with a slightly burnt face, a sore left bicep, a bruise on the top of my left foot and a sore face. I can guess where the first two are from but I am clueless where the bruise on my foot came from. The sore face is from a bookcase that fell on my face. Nothing like the old bookcase to the face to wake you up.

I had really figured that I wouldn't have a problem going to sleep last night. I woke up at a reasonable time. I was physically active for most of the day but I just couldn't get to sleep.

This type of insomnia drives me crazy. I can deal with the kind where you wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to bed. I have dealt with that on and off for years now. But this new kind of exhausted but not sleeping is maddening.

It's been two weeks like this. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it when I have my appointment on Wednesday.

In other areas of my life, I'm getting rid of the crib, crib mattress, baby play set and mobile. I'm not sure that there will ever be a next baby. I'm quietly mourning the loss of a child that will never be. It's something that I'll share here because I want to share what I'm doing in my life but it's also something that I really don't want to talk about. (Yes, all you with my phone number and calling me. I mean you.) Nothing has really changed. Mr. Husband is still saying someday when we can afford to do it but I'm just more giving in to the reality that we will never be to that place. At least not in a timely manner that would allow me to have a comfortable age difference between the kids and not be at an advanced maternal age. I don't want there to be a huge gap in my kids ages. Now I know that I may not always feel this way but that's how I'm feeling now. I'm not taking any lasting procedures so if things change it won't be a problem but that's where I am. I'm going to write to a contact that I have that will take the baby things to a shelter where they will be loved and needed.

I'm focusing on the wonderful children that I have. Enjoy the little ways that they are still young. Play with them and enjoy the stages that they are at.